Blog – Page 4 – Phoenix Nest Soul Arts

I am from my mother’s music, hearing her voice before I even entered the world
She loved to sing opera and play Debussy
With an occasional song from Oklahoma or South Pacific

I’m from a place where there was always music
Not any old kind
But what I heard was rich
I can still sing many songs

I am from 76 Trombones played on Saturday mornings
No sleeping in
It’s time to clean and garden
But first breakfast

I’m from a place where we talked about everything
The table was a verbal battleground
The only losers those who spoke without thinking

I am from a world of literature and poetry
My father loved “Invictus”
But Robert Service was more often recited
Ask me about “The Three Bares” and I will tell you in rhyme

I am from a world of news and newspapers read cover to cover each day
Where the Smiths and my parents were the only democrats among
Bumper stickers declaring AuH₂O
Behind the Orange curtain, behind bland smiles

I am from the big house on the dead-end road
With a pool that lured summer friends
Who forgot my name when school started
Where home base was the sewer cover, and mailboxes were first and third
Where second base was out there somewhere
A place where hide and seek grew less innocent with age
When we weren’t sure we wanted to be found

I am from the darkened room with family secrets scattered around
Images of my mother, still in bedclothes when I returned from school
She played solitaire all day
My father, too drunk to drive home, getting rides
The slammed doors, the raised voices, the burned dinners
The silence, the silence
Someone whispering terrible things to me in the dark
Another doing terrible things in the dark
Telling me it was my fault they happened

I am from that room where I turned on the light to sweep those secrets away
They no longer had power in full light
And I left, choosing not to return

I am from the path of spiritual longing
Knowing from an early age that something was bigger than me
Bigger than my parents
Bigger than my family and school and the neighbors and the president
I am from vacation Bible school and youth groups
Seeking something my family didn’t want
Wanting to belong but never feeling that I did

I am places where the soul explores, looking for answers
Finding few that satisfied
Falling into a place where I had to be religious to keep my job
A place where messages didn’t always line up with action
A place where public prayer was a valued skill
Where anytime you could be found wanting

I am from the place where sometimes I belonged
Feeling whole and holy
But ultimately was declared outsider

I’m from the place where I said no more
No more
No more

I am from a journey that began when I said “no” so late in life
Because yes was always the preferred answer

I am from the place where I raised my voice and said “Get out”
I am from the place where I said never again

I am from the place where love grew unexpectedly
Where one man loved all of me
Every extra ounce of flesh, every wise crack
Every dark joke and passionate argument
Kissing me deeply
Bringing me to a place I’d never been
Disappearing into memory that never fades

I am from the salt of the sea, the force of the waves
That propelled me to shore when I caught them just right
I am from that ocean wind, blowing my hair, digging for sand crabs
That no one can find anymore

I am from the desert, arid, where you can see for miles
Not for me the forest or the stream
It is the creosote bushes, the cactus, the drought resistant
That call me
Because I am xeric, zetetic, and fierce

I am from the places I went to when I hurt the most
I am from the heart of the wounded, crying over injustice and sudden death
Animals left by the road, hoping for belonging
Children rejected by parents
Parents abandoned by children
Friends separated by trivial matters like time and distance and politics
I am from the wounded heart that weeps over these things and more

I am from the land of the unlovely
Where love grows in unlikely places
I am from the ashes, a phoenix
I have fallen many times, and risen more

You cannot burn me
I am from myself, from my choices
My desires
My will to live as one who loves, even though. . .
My will to live as one who connects, even though. . .
My will to live as one who creates, even though. . .
Because nothing of worth ever follows “even though”

I am from the land of will and responsibility
I own every choice I’ve made
Every turning left or right
Every hesitation
Every leap into nothingness
No excuses, no explanations, no pleading for forgiveness
I never needed to be saved
I only wanted to be loved

I am from the quiet heart of Mother Mary
The passion of the Christ
The love of the Magdalene
Keeping the crossroads like Hekate
Disobeying like Lilith
Raging like Sekhmet

I am from myself.
I am from myself.